A faded, grey shadow of a girl stood in front of the desk. He looked up from the racing pages with a
start. “Didn’t see you there. Can I help?” She didn’t speak, just continued staring
through vacant eyes. He couldn’t see any
spark inside her. The greyness was all
consuming. The fluorescent sign
flickered bright pink and yellow across her face. “Vacant”. The sign was right about her. Definitely nobody home. He tried again. “You want something?” Her lips moved but no sound came out. He didn’t know but it had been days since she
had been allowed to use her voice.
Nobody had wanted to hear what she had to say. Nobody had noticed her. They had left her in the background. The greyness had consumed her entire
life. She’d left and nobody had noticed.
Nobody had asked her opinion about anything for years. She didn’t know how to respond. She mouthed the words. Her throat constricted with the sudden
movement. She felt like she was going to
be sick. The words were stuck. She needed to get them out. This was the first step. Wrong – she had left. That had been the first
step. She needed to find her voice now.
“I need a room.”
It came out as a hoarse whisper.
It was barely audible across the desk.
“A room.” She
swallowed. Saliva was lubricating her
throat. She cleared it and
swallowed. “I need a room. Please.”
She was determined that her new life would be full of pleasant manners
and kindness now. No more demands, name
calling or swearing. She was starting
A slightly depressing one today…I’m not planning to do this at all but it’s interesting imagining the feelings and emotions.
She sat down to write. Nothing new there. It was a daily ritual. She never knew what would come out of her pen these days. But this, she knew exactly what to say. Everything was clear. She knew what to do. Write the letter and leave it. Walk to the river. Find something heavy to weigh herself down just in case panic made her want to survive. Walk into the river. Drown. Simple. Everything resolved in one easy move. No more voice. No more headaches. No more noise. Just quiet death. He would understand. He always understood. He looked at her with such compassion. She wished she could feel better. For him.
This was written half inspired by a daily commute and half by random thoughts of escaping from the daily grind.
The electric doors hummed open and a blast of fresh air hit her in the face and she really believed for a moment that she might step off the train. She believed that she was ready to face the truth. The platform was grey, the skyline was grey, the buildings were grey– it was suffocating. Her head spun and she grasped the door frame trying to breathe, but the greyness was cloying. She heard the tutting and sighing in the distance as she blocked the exit with her bag in her hand.